<br /> <br /> <strong>Assertiveness and Boundaries</strong><br /> <br /> This article is from the January 2009 posting of Best Ever You.com. In case you missed it there, you can read it here. Best Ever You is dedicated to helping real women cope effectively in their real lives. I'm the on line Pastoral Counseling expert. If you'd like me to listen to you or discuss challenges you are facing feel free to contact me at besteveryou.com or AllinChrist2@att.net.<br /> <br /> <br /> <em><strong>Ph.D Resolutions-Assertiveness and Boundaries</strong></em><br /> <br /> The theme this year at Best Ever You is &quot;Get a Ph.D in You.&quot; With this is mind my articles each month will focus on ways to improve in all areas of our lives. Communications, intimacy, creativity and much more all go into making each one of us the unique individuals that we are. My goal is to address some of the areas you may experience difficulty in. I hope that you will write to me and let me know about anything you need help with or any comments you may have.<br /> <br /> During this past holiday season I experienced what I perceived to be a distinct insult by a soon-to-be<br /> in-law. What did I do about it? Absolutely nothing. Oh sure, I complained and commiserated to all who would listen. But what did I do to really make myself feel better about the situation. That's right, absolutely nothing. Has this ever happened to you? I venture to answer &quot;yes.&quot; Women have been taught for centuries to be people pleasers, to smooth communications, to act like nothing happened when indeed something did happen. So, in 2009, I resolve to become more assertive and to establish healthy boundaries. I hope you will join me as we strive to reach our Higher Selves.<br /> <br /> What does assertiveness mean?<br /> To be assertive means to speak up for oneself and one's thoughts and feelings in a way that is straightforward yet does not impinge on the rights of others.<br /> <br /> Why is assertiveness important?<br /> Assertiveness is important because it improves the smooth and realistic flow of communication. It establishes healthy boundaries regarding what is important to you. That is, what you will and will not tolerate when interacting with others. You will feel more confident practicing assertiveness because you will not be at the mercy of others behavior. Speaking up for yourself establishes you as at least as important as anyone else. The boundaries you create set the tone for future interactions.<br /> <br /> How do I become more assertive?<br /> Start today! Right now is a good time. Start by listening to your reactions to requests, behaviors, and actions from those you interact with. How does the interaction make you feel? If you feel badly, tired, or otherwise not good, chances are you're feeling put upon. The next step is to decide what would make you feel better and following through with that behavior. Keep in mind, being assertive does not impinge on the rights of others. So I'm not telling you to lose your temper with people or to behave rudely back to them. What I am saying is that you can tell those you interact with what would be better for you and how you all can work together to have better relationships and interactions.<br /> <br /> Uh, I don't know about that. People may not like me anymore.<br /> Its hard being more assertive. It is true that if you've allowed people to treat you however they will that they may not like it when you assert yourself. Keep in mind that they are reacting to a false self. The real you is a person of worth and substance. Your feelings matter just as much as others. This may mean ultimately allowing some people in your life to exit.These are people you have probably had difficulty with anyway. Do not despair. As you become more assertive and communicate better, you will meet new people who respect you and enjoy being with you exactly because of the way you are. Yes, trying out new skills makes people look at you differently. They may even try to manipulate you into feeling guilty for asking for what you want. Resist the urge to withdraw your assertions or to react to their manipulations. Remember, 2009 is about getting a Ph.D in YOU!<br /> <br /> I want to hear from You!<br /> As you practice your new assertiveness skills, please write to me and let me know how its going. I'm here to answer your questions on this or any other topic as well. Happy 2009 and Happy Best Ever You!<br /> <br /> 2009<br /> cj<br />