Tofurky.

That's what my friend Staci says she makes on Thanksgiving, (and from my understanding, this wanna-be-bird is actually a brand name blob of tofu molded into a turkey shape). I'm sorry, but slash my jugular with a machete right now please and pass me a doused in gravy drumstick.

After purposely exhaling my cigarette smoke in her nuts and grain-eating face, I can't help but ask why she eats this crap. "It's way healthier than turkey and it doesn't have a face," she says like a 5th grader as she tilts her head to the side, leaving me half-expecting "DUH!" to come out between her tiny lips.

After I almost throw up in my mouth from imagining how disgusting even one morsel of Tofurky might taste, I use this opportunity to quiz Staci even further on her health, since she is in fact, a self-proclaimed health nut.

Wait, let's back up for a second.

When I considered writing about health fanatics, I half cringed because as much as I wanted to poke fun at "those people," I also had little desire to write about "those people." Part of my hesitation was based on my own sad reality because I am certainly not the pillar of good health. The other part was that I normally try to avoid putting myself in situations where I may end up feeling bad about myself, and I could see already that talking to I-live-at-Whole Foods health freaks may result in me having to take a look at my unhealthiness.

I began my task by compiling a specific list of 15 behaviors and traits the average person uses to label someone a health nut. I also spoke with professionals (dieticians, yoga instructors, personal trainers, and several physicians) to make sure my criteria were well-rounded. Here's what we came up with:

A truly healthy person is someone who:
-works out regularly
-eats at least 3 healthy, balanced meals / day
-is perhaps a vegan or vegetarian
-is at their ideal weight (this means not considerably over or underweight)
-is a non-smoker
-does no drugs
-is not bulimia
-is not anorexic
-has zero to very little caffeine consumption
-eats organic food
-sleeps at least 6 hours / night
-is a non-drinker (or drinks very moderately)
-does yoga
-takes vitamins and supplements
-has a well-rounded "healthy" lifestyle (with regard to spirituality, level moods, kindness, and an overall content state of mind)

Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong.

After weeks and weeks of searching for even one person to fit the build, (no pun intended), it became apparent to me that society basically dictates who we believe is fit and healthy. In other words, if you're driving down a busy road on your way to work and see several thin, athletic-looking women jogging, I'll take a guess that you're thinking they're really healthy. But, when they go home, what do they eat? Do they eat? Do they sleep? Or does this pack of joggers go home and smoke a fatty? This is precisely my point because the reality is, we don't know, and we, as a society, base our judgment of others' healthiness on how they look or on one healthy activity in which they participate. After meeting and talking with thousands, okay, hundreds of people, I decided it was imperative to change the focus of this article to expose an entire different breed of healthy: the conflicted healthy person, the fraud. Here are some true, real-life examples:

Health Fraud Number 1

Remember Staci and her Tofurky? Guess how many of the 15 healthy habits 28 year old Staci claims to have? Five. In fact, I was blown away by how UN-healthy Staci really is because she looks good, for the most part (albeit a little bony, as well as a tad grainy-faced from her nicotine intake), and she constantly preaches to people that meat is murder to one's health and that her 7 day a week workout schedule leaves her feeling energized. I had always felt less than, to a degree, around her because I don't talk about working out, I don't count calories, and I eat food with a face. I was beyond shocked to find out that Staci was proudly close to 30 pounds below her ideal weight thanks to her strict diet of one triple espresso for breakfast, another for lunch, and a modest dinner of things like grains, nuts, and vegetables, none of which Staci has been able to not vomit into her toilet for the better part of 6 years. Little did I know that her 7 day a week workout ends with chainsmoking Newport Lights and preparing cases for work the next day at her law firm before sleeping, at the most, 4 hours a night. Little did I know that Staci's workouts included, at the bare minimum, one hour per day of sprinting on her treadmill. Can you say obsessive compulsive? Renfrew, here she comes!

Health Fraud Number 2
Anthony, age 38, claims to have 9 of the 15 health nut behaviors. Sounds healthy enough, right? Wrong again. Anthony, a body-building gym freak, who, might I add, proudly sports a full-blown mullet (think Macgyver, circa 1985), may proudly spend half his waking hours at the gym. He may also wear that unsexy, unflattering fluffy, Jersey-guy-looking workout attire 24/7 and he may very well eat 3 square meals a day. He may also tell you that the steroids he shot into his toenails 6 years prior were just a phase and that anyone who does steroids now "is a jagoff." And, unlike Staci, Anthony doesn't smoke cigarettes, and he certainly doesn't binge and purge, nor does he skip his multivitamin or vanilla protein shake in the morning. According to society's assumptions, Anthony looks healthy. More than healthy, in fact. Furthermore, this type of person may leave someone like me feeling a bit inadequate until the full picture presents itself. What is not apparent on the surface is that Anthony spends the other half of his time at the bar, drinking himself into a state of oblivion 6-7 days a week. 4 DUIs and 6 Disorderly Conducts later, this meathead snorts 3-4 grams of coke a week and rages out in anger toward his Klonopin-chewing wife (and their home, as evidenced by the holes in their walls and broken dishes) at least 4-5 times a month. He is miserable, judgmental, and gets off on putting down his wife. Would you still say this gorilla-like angry drunk is the picture of perfect health? I think not.

Health Fraud Number 3
Linda, age 30, is a self-proclaimed "health and gym freak," and just by looking at her, I assumed she'd meet close to all of the 15 health nut behaviors. Once again, however, I learned not to judge a book by its cover because Linda really threw me for a loop. On the outside, this young woman is gorgeous, one of those girls hated by women, loved by men. Perfect hair, perfect teeth, dressed, of course, perfectly. At all times. Sweet as can be, humble, smart, kind, and everything else perfect you can think of. You'll find her at the gym 6 days a week, working out with the perfect amount of weight, and of course, in the perfect form. So sticky sweet, you'll more than likely want to take a bridge if you compare yourself to her seemingly perfectness.

But...da, da, da, daaaah.

Linda possesses only 5 of the 15 health nut behaviors. Let me give you the run-down: On any given day, Linda will smile herself away at the gym, after "happily" working her 9-5'er at Daddy's company. She goes home to her husband and 2 sons, makes (and eats) a healthy, well-balanced dinner, all of which ends up, like Staci, in the toilet. But the corrosion on her teeth is masked by the Zoom whitening treatments she gets twice a year, the bloodshot eyes are cured with 3 daily doses of Visine, and she cries herself to sleep every night. She is a clinically-depressed alcoholic disguised as a happy, healthy soccer mom.

No one knows she's dying on the inside literally and figuratively and no one knows she copes with her suicidal thoughts on the weekends by popping pain pills, drinking large quantities of high-end vodka, and of course, partaking in a little cocaine-sniffing here and there.

No one knows her past consists of frequent trips to the ER because her body went into ketosis from bulimia.

No one knows she spent years and years talking her way out of 12-step programs because she didn't think she fit in with the dope-shooting junkies.

No one knows she was committed to mental institutions a handful of times because her will to live gave out and once she even attempted to jump out of a moving car while her husband and children watched in horror. But, once Monday rolls around for Linda, it's back to smiling, taking vitamins and supplements, working out, and presenting the perfect picture of health to everyone but herself. Linda's case is sad, disturbing, and I have to assume you'll hear a lot of people saying this at her funeral: "Oh my God! There were no signs. I had no idea!"

As I became sickened yet relieved that I didn't have to set such a high bar for myself by the conflicted healthy frauds, I started to see a trend. The healthier people were the ones you'd least expect. One business owner from San Diego humbly told me she meets 14 out of the 15 behaviors. Hey, that's healthy enough for me. But there was a bit of sadness to her voice when she said her weight had always been a struggle for her. The thing is, she was not, in fact, severely overweight at all, and instead, she was well-dressed, had a healthy glow on her face, coupled with a gorgeous straight-toothed, whiter than white smile. She is spiritual, happy, kind, well-balanced in every aspect of well-balanced, she works out, eats right, and never smokes, drinks, or touches drugs of any type. How sad our society tells us this almost perfectly healthy woman she is not healthy. Talk about judging a book by its cover. If I were even half as healthy as her I'd be happy.

Which brings us to me. I couldn't help but want to see how I stacked up against the Lindas, Anthonys, and Stacis of the world, especially because I assumed most people would consider me extremely unhealthy. Here's how I compared to the others:

Okay, I don't "officially" work out, but I do lift weights (my 30-pound son, 100+ times / day) and I do cardio (chasing both kids around the house, at least 45 minutes each day). I also eat at least 3 healthy meals a day, as well as snacks, but I am a meat lover, not a vegan nor a vegetarian. However, I do consume organic foods some of the time, I take vitamins and supplements on a regular basis, and my caffeine consumption is low. I'm at my ideal weight on the dot, to be precise and I never drink, I never do drugs, and I am not anorexic, bulimic, and my lifestyle is laidback with contentment written all over it. I sleep 6-8 hours / night, (alright, I actually pass out from the exhaustion of being a stay-at-home mom), which also explains why I find very little time to drag my kids to a gym or yoga class. My major downfall includes compulsive closet chain smoking and snacking into the evening hours. All in all, I rated 11 out of 15 on the healthy scale. Who would have thought? Not me, that's for sure. Especially because I'd been learning that even the yoga instructor smokes pot every day, and the vegan doesn't workout. I wasn't that bad after all. In fact, I decided, satisfyingly, I was more healthy than not. But just as I picked up my self esteem off the floor of McDonalds, it was time to call my next interviewee, who I will call, Mr. Health.

Enter Tom Zaimes.

This 31 year old business owner says he fits 15 out of the 15 healthy behaviors. Great, I thought, as I bit into my daughter's quarter pounder. I sunk down in my plastic chair after he started telling me about his workouts, protein-based meals, and overall zest for life. I think my eyes glazed over from the punch of his words so I decided to order a Happy Meal and told him I'd call him back to finish the interview. As I wallowed in my milkshake, I debated whether to even return the call because I was hopeful I was one of the healthier people out there, but Mr. Zaimes had just shattered my dreams.
I got the kids to bed and settled in next to the fireplace with my laptop, I lit a smoke (Note to smokers with kids in the house: If you smoke into the fireplace, none of the smoke goes into the house, only up the chimney), grabbed a can of Coca Cola, and snuck onto Tom's myspace page ( http://www.myspace.com/tzaimes ) to see if he looked like the steroid-taking meathead I had envisioned and hoped he would be. Again, shattered dreams. He looked perfectly normal. And healthy. And happy. I hesitantly made the call.

Between my attempts to hide the fact that I'm chain smoking, I listen as Tom immediately confirms the list of healthy behaviors to me as an appropriate and acceptable gauge of true health. He concurs that a person, in his opinion, cannot be considered healthy if they drink a lot of alcohol on a regular basis, sleep very little, binge and purge, or restrict their food intake on an anorexic scale. He even believes non-exercising people are lazy. I completely take on that statement and reassure myself that carrying my toddler around certainly constitutes a workout. Whatever Tom.

What I expected to hear from Tom were endless gym stories and how people suck if they don't live at the gym and eat birdseed-looking food and avoid elevators and eat those horrid protein bars in bulk. What I did not expect was the education (and dare I say inspiration?) regarding getting healthy and staying healthy. I quickly became a big Tom fan. After he tells me that he rarely weighs himself, he explains to me that fad diets (i.e., the Hollywood Juice diet, Atkins, etc.) "are bullshit" because if someone loses 10 pounds on one of those regimens, they're actually losing water and muscle and probably only 2 pounds, at most, of fat. He goes on to explain how the ever-present-in-the-media B.M.I., (Body Mass Index) is not fail proof because it doesn't take into consideration a person's body composition. In other words, although I may be 5'11" and weigh 130, if all that weight is water, fat, skin, and bone, but no muscle, my body is not in a healthy state, even though my B.M.I. may be 21.

Although my skepticism had waned considerably, I was still expecting to hear that Tom eats only beans, nuts, and Tofurky and works out for hours and hours each day. Not the case. After stating that he "likes food more than girls and sex," he tells me about the 6 meals a day he consumes, most of which revolve around a protein. He never skips breakfast, his meals consist of zero bird food, and he emphatically stresses the importance of taking a cheat day to maintain his sanity, (I was thrilled to hear he eats like a caveman on cheat day, relentlessly packing in the food, yes any food, in mass quantities, which he calls a "disgusting mess to witness.")

Apparently there are quite a few fitness myths, which Tom willingly dispels. Here are some facts he states that will get you in the right mindset toward a healthy life, strong muscles, and permanent fat loss:

Tom's Truths
1) Fat is good.
2) Sugar is the enemy.
3) Drink water, more water, and then a little more water (his suggestion: 160 ounces a day).
4) If you're trying to lose fat, lifting weights is more important than doing cardio.
5) Women will NOT bulk up if they lift weights.
6) Women usually don't lift enough weight when working out.
7) Men usually lift too much weight when they're working out.
8) Your muscles do not get bigger while you're at the gym.
9) Your muscles get bigger while you sleep (which is why it is imperative to get enough sleep and eat correctly after a workout because food and rest determine how your muscles recover).
10) If you can't sleep 6-8 hours the night after a workout, don't even bother working out.
11) Lift weights slowly and with the right form (ask someone who knows before doing it the wrong way, which is ultimately detrimental to your body otherwise).
12) Limit workouts to 45 minutes 1 hour. Anything more than that is pointless and you'll actually do more harm to your body than good.
13) Sleep, sleep, and sleep, (Tom gets at least 6 hours each night, but usually gets 8).
14) "Steroids are for wimps," (Tom's quote, not mine).
15) Do cardio in the morning. It will leave you feeling energized since energy makes energy.
16) A low-carb diet is great for burning fat.
17) Add a high-carb day into your diet every 3 days to trick your body and metabolism. The result is more fat loss.
18) If you're going to drink a lot of alcohol at night, don't bother lifting weights that day. Your muscles won't recover, and "the alcohol will deplete your testosterone, as well as leave you with a flaccid penis."

The most important truth, however, which Tom couldn't stress enough, was that being healthy is a lifestyle change, not a quick fix, bottle of diet pills, or temporary state. He no longer goes to bars every night of the week, and he has energy all the time. He goes on to say that life is here for us to enjoy and that his one night a week out often ends up in some wild "indulging," but that craziness is not who he is, and everything must be done in moderation. His story was enough to motivate me to consider finding a gym that has a daycare.

If hearing about Tom's lifestyle leaves you feeling like a hopeless, worthless fatass, just remember that what people present to the world (as evidenced by the likes of Staci, Linda, and Anthony) is not always what it seems. Healthy, I've discovered, is an inside job, and letting other people tell us if we're healthy is a crock. You don't have to match the lifestyle of the Tom Zaimeses of the world (although I'd like to get there myself someday) to feel good inside. Just remember there are people who go to church every week but then go home and beat the crap out of their kids, and of course there's the quintessential family man who cheats on his wife.

Being healthy is a lifestyle change. A process, not an event. A marathon, not a sprint. And oh, wondering what inspired Tom to get healthy and fit in the first place? A bad breakup with Liz, his ex-girlfriend, many years back. He felt overweight and out of shape and decided to do whatever it took to look good and make Liz regret her decision. After a couple of months though, he liked the results and started doing it for himself. That was more than 3 years ago, and I'm sure you'll agree: Bad move, Liz, eat your heart out.