The moment I feel somewhat helpless, like a situation is bigger than me, is when I am at my weakest. Those are the moments I feel out of control and wrecked.

In my profession, I have the "joy" of dealing with mostly men. General contractors, subcontractors, IT guys, brokers, real estate agents, landlords, building supers, building maintenence guys, CEOs (clients), project managers, MEP engineers, structural engineers, are for the most part always men. 99% of the time I have the pleasure of dealing with respectable gentlemen who take me seriously and understand that yes, this female, this YOUNG female on the job site knows what the hell she's talking about and deserves/commands respect. If they have a problem taking orders from me, 99% of the time I can't tell, and that's perfectly fine.

Then there are those men who look at me and all they are capable of seeing is a young female, first and foremost. Sometimes they find me attractive which can make for a detestable combination. Usually, if this is the case, they don't recognize that I am a professional doing her job.

Throughout one of my projects, a gnat of a broker (let's call him RP)has been buzzing around opening his big mouth and trying to tell me how to do my job. The first day that I met him on site, he leaned up against a door and said:

"So, I googled you to find out who I'd be dealing with before I came to this meeting." Yes, he looked me up and down. What. The. *Bleep*!?!!? Ok. Hello creepy stalker guy.

He then proceeded to tell me about what he found: lacrosse. He asked me if I work out and told me over and over, "Wow, you must be in really good shape."

I let this one roll off my back, just chalking it up to one helluva a socially awkward man who didn't mean it the way it sounded. Besides, I took it as a sign of weakness on his part. C'mon, he was so threatened by my presence that he had to google me and try to get an edge on how to deal with me?

In a recent phone call he guessed my age (younger than I am) and when I corrected him, he said "Oh you're still young! You know, this is New York and women here don't get married until they're 41, 43. I didn't marry my wife until she was 41. Don't feel bad that you're still single." My amusement by his stupidity was cut off because he immediately went into asking about my next Road Runners race and my next lacrosse tournament followed by, once again, "Wow, you must be in really good shape since you run and play lacrosse." Yes, this sceeved me out*

*Boys/Men: YES, us ladies KNOW that you more than likely checked us out and perhaps whether you wanted to or not, may have wondered what we look like naked...but here' the deal, DON'T EVER MAKE IT KNOWN IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM THAT THIS IS ACTUALLY THE CASE. There is absolutely no need EVER to comment on the body of your co-ed coworkers, EVER, during business hours or in a professional setting. EVER. Need an example?

Male to female co-worker: "That dress is pretty." - appropriate
Male to female co-worker: "Your body is pretty in that dress." - inappropriate

Moving on...

Today, he showed up at the site, a surprise to me since I had purposely left him off the e-mail exchange setting up the meeting. The client is nowhere, and the MEP engineer is nowhere...I am left alone on the sidewalk in a city of a gadzillion people, in broad daylight, with RP.

Since I can not hide anywhere nor can I grab my phone fast enough to make an "important" call before he spots me, a conversation ensues.

RP- "So, how did your race go yesterday?" He's still looking at my face at this point.
Me- "Fine."
RP- "What was your time?"
Me- "Two hours, 51 minutes."
RP- "But you ran your half marathon at an a 8:30 pace!"
Me -"Well, that was five miles less."
RP- "I'm just kidding. You know, you must be in really good shape." His eyes wander down my body.

Me- "hmmm..." There's absolutely nowhere to hide.

RP- "Wow, I mean, if you can run 18 miles like that, you've got to be in great shape to do that." His eyes wander up my body and down again...pausing at my chest, waist, and hips.

Me- "uhhh..." I move my ginormous bag in front of me, only able to cover my middle, and cross my arms, practically hugging myself to make myself smaller, trying to be unseen...

RP- "So, yeah, you're in great shape. You're what, five foot one?" His eyes seemed to have focused on my legs.

Me- "Five three." It was an automatic response. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to just say "f*ck off" and walk away. I wanted to tell him how inappropriate and creepy he was being. But at this moment, I felt...helpless...I was not the Deanna who blows off jerks in bars. I was not the Deanna who chases after guys in the street after they've grabbed her butt, with the full intention of ripping off their ears. I was not the sarcastic b*tchy Deanna who can be oh so cruel to men. I was not even the architect Deanna who knows how to direct GC's who have been working for twice her lifetime. I felt trapped. I thought about my job. I thought about all the people this guy knows. I thought about who would believe who in a he said/she said situation. I thought about my boss and his reputation. I felt exposed...

RP- "Right. Five three, and what..." His eyes scoured my body again, trying to see through my bag, "...let's say, 100 lbs?" There was that look...that look guys get in their eyes when they're checking out women in a bar...its a kind of hungry desparate spark... He took a step to the side and checked out my profile before I could turn and block his eyes.

A chill went through me and a rage filled my "in shape body". I bit my tongue to hold in the "ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME YOU F*CKHEAD CREEPY A** PERVERT?!??!" that wanted to spew forth like fire... and instead quietly stared at his glasses that I wished to smash into his eyeballs...

Me- "...uh, what?"
RP- smiled and once again looked me up and down, but was unable to say anything before Kevin (the engineer) showed up.

I turned to greet Kevin and immediately felt RP's eyes follow the curve of my profile.

Maybe there are few of you out there wondering, "Why didn't you just tell him this or that or do this or that?" And my answer to all of you:
1. hindsight is 20/20
2. You never know how you're going to respond to a situation unless your in it.
3. Dealing with a creepy guy at your JOB is VERY different than dealing with some drunk at a bar.

This is why I felt out of control. The situation was bigger than me at that moment. I couldn't necessarily be myself because I didn't have time to adequately assess the repercussions of me being ME and doing my thing to make him STOP. As ridiculous as it probably sounds to some of you, I was actually worried about how my way of dealing with him would be seen as inappropriate. I was made to feel so uncomfortable that I couldn't even express how uncomfortable I was.

Of course, upon returning to the office and having to answer my boss's innocent question of "How did it go?", all that I had held in rushed out of me like a freakin' tidal wave. I was pissed at myself for being silent. I was enraged that men like RP get to crawl through this life and have such an effect on people.

And sadly, its nothing out of the ordinary in our society.

Thank goodness I work for an amazing boss who didn't take the situation lightly. He immediately made a few phone calls and it is now guaranteed to me that RP will no longer be at any meetings I am attending.

Now I know I have power. I do have the power to make it stop. All it takes is for me to tell someone, the right someone. My power lies with my ability to let someone know its happening.

No smart comment from me would've made that RP stop. No request to back off would've been taken seriously by him. This I know since he didn't take anything else about me seriously.

It is a far greater punishment to him to know that his words/actions were not kept secret by me, but were revealed to others who now judge him as I do.

Now I get to go on being just an ARCHITECT. By the way, "architect" is a genderless noun, thank you.

 

*originally written Oct. 7, 2007* I just thought I'd post it here and share it in case someone else has gone through this same ordeal.