We all like to look nice.  However, there’s a certain breed of woman (this breed is more populated by man) who doesn’t want to think about looking nice.  We don’t really want to read about looking nice, and we definitely don’t want to talk about looking nice.  No, we’d rather talk about the New Yorker and strive for the totally effervescent, natural, just woke-up look, by, well, just waking up. 

Take me for instance.  (I realize that by writing this very column, I’m like Rush Limbaugh guesting for Salon, but I’m enjoying the contradiction.)  If you zoom in on my face in my profile picture, you will see not one but two tremendously bushy, categorically Italian black eyebrows.  They had taken up residence for approximately 22.9 years when the picture was taken, and they were majestic in their amplitude.  

How I wish some woman in a fabulous pin-stripe suit had draped her arm around my shoulders circa age 16 and said, “Honey, hair is for waxing.”

Because it’s true all you lovely ladies in Beauty Mag Land, there are many of us who are led to condescend towards beauty culture, and hence ignore practical advice.  To unfairly rip-off John Edwards’ “Two Americas” model, there are truly two American beauty cultures:  those who read the mags and those who don’t; hence the dichotomy: those who look smashing and those who, um, lack smashing advice.

Oh my, I can hear the politically correct bells ring-a-ding-dinging.  But, it’s true my hippy and intellectual compatriots!  Listen to my plea for mascara:

My friend Brie is very blond. Her hair is blond, her eyebrows are blond, and her eyelashes, you guessed it - totally blond.  For years she wore only glasses, and her light blue eyes disappeared behind behind dark frames, and faded into her pale skin.  Of course she had eyes because she used them to play ultimate frisbee as well as succeed at more banal tasks like driving and making eye-contact, but you didn’t really notice them.  Then, one day, bam!  Batting long dark lashes, she had beautiful crystal blue eyes!  And, I noticed them instantly, why? Because the right accents were in place: light eye-liner to apply visual contrast to the eye area, and mascara to direct attention to her fortunately hued irises. 

Now, Brie is a super hippy.  Her likes: big pants, thrift store boys t-shirts, organic milk, mud. She loves being the only female short order cook at a Mexican restaurant. And now, she also loves eye make-up, which, though took some getting used to on my part, now I completely support.  

Brie is also a good example for another reason: she has never had a problem getting boys to fall for her.  Pre-makeup, post-makeup, they have flocked to vie for her attentions.  Thus, her new interest in having gorgeous noticeable eyes has little to do with the common beauty denigration: it’s all for men’s objectification.  Instead, it’s probably about wanting to be seen or showing-off.  Flaunt it while you got it, anyone?

Let’s take a more academic approach.  When we apply to college, we are taught to sell ourselves on paper.  Emphasize this award, or that experience.  In short make yourself appear as the brightest, most-put-together version of yourself possible.  Well, your appearance is your visual resume.  How you dress to work, meetings, social events, and at home speaks volumes about your social class, background and what groups in which you’d like to circulate.

Perhaps all this advice falls on deaf ears.  This is of course the wrong forum to be spouting “look presentable” like my Italian great-grandmother, but there must be a few other flannel-bedecked writers in this forum lured in by the $1000 beauty article contest.  Right?

Well, then my beauty mag cohorts, it appears that it’s just us here.  And we can discuss beauty tips next week.  Now, I have to go get my eyebrows waxed.